Lack of Willpower versus Alcoholism


I was thinking today about my drinking problem.  I don’t actually have a drinking problem (no, this is not DENIAL).  What I have is a willpower problem.  (I also have a laziness problem, but that is a whole other post)

I enjoy an adult beverage.  I also enjoy coffee.  I love tacos or anything other mexican food. Pasta, chocolate, and Jelly bellies are a few of my other weaknesses.

And that’s what these things are for me:  weakness.  Indulgence.

And I have a willpower problem.

In the summertime, moreso than in the spring, I crave a glass of wine in the evenings.  There’s something about the hot summer weather that makes white wine (especially bubbly white wine) sound so appealing.  Come fall, I’ll be too busy with kids’ activities to even think about having a glass or two (or three) of wine every evening.

Then the holidays will hit and I’ll start craving again.  That usually lasts through Christmas or New Years depending upon the year.

Then, once again, kids’ activities will reign supreme and I won’t have time to indulge in adult beverages.

I always manage to find time to indulge in tacos, chocolate, pasta, and coffee.

But I was really contemplating on my lack of willpower today.  And I was thinking of those who are alcoholics.  And I wonder when that fine line is crossed.  I’m thinking I was probably pretty close after my son died.  I was definitely using alcohol to escape during that time.  I was definitely getting close to a point of NEEDING the alcohol every night.  I was close.  I know I was close to that line.

Thankfully, I stepped away from the line.  I think how easily I could have crossed that line into a different messed up world.   Now I simply live the life of a busy mom who often gives into her cravings, be they tacos or wine, when she has time for them….

I would love to have more willpower.  I’m not gonna lie to you.  Perhaps I could shed these pesky pounds that seem to stick to me like super glue if I didn’t drink wine, eat chocolate, inhale tacos.


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Dear Heavenly Father…

I’m praying for money….  It’s a weird thing to pray for really because it seems rather shallow.  But here’s the thing.  I don’t want to homeschool the kids anymore.  I just don’t. Oh, I have those mixed feelings because I still love having them home with me.  But I want to have them home with me.  I no longer want to be their teacher.

But we live in a  crappy, crappy school district.  I have friends with their kids in this district and NOPE.  Especially not my older son who would be entering high school.  Nope.

So I need money so that we can send them to Catholic school which is what most of my friends who live here do.  It’s either that or homeschool.  Those are the options.  I have one friend who just assured me that we would qualify for some financial aid.  Sure, we would probably qualify for SOME financial aid.  But we live paycheck to paycheck already.  I struggle every year to buy the kids their homeschool co-op books.  I struggle to put them into some basic activities, nothing overly expensive.

We need money.

I hoped to work some this summer, but it did not work out.  Even so, it wouldn’t be enough to commit to sending to private school.

I truly regret that I did NOT take a job that I was offered awhile back.  At that time, I hesitated to put the kids in school because most of them were totally against it.  Two of them cried at the mere discussion of it.  So I went with my heart which was ultimately linked to their hearts.  Because the thing is, my heart KNOWS that my teaching is just not what it should be.  (hence the co-op)….  But I have to teach there too.  I choose somewhat easy things to teach.  i prefer the littler kids.  But the thing is, I DON’T WANT TO TEACH!!!!  (unless it is yoga, I would love to teach yoga)

So I’m stuck.  I’m stuck homeschooling because I don’t think God is going to suddenly throw enough money at me to stick the kids in school.  I’m going to trudge along quite unhappily because I know I’m not doing what I should be doing.

So Heavenly Father, if you are listening, I could really use some sort of miracle here.


This Party MUST End

13521931_10154239777962278_7446062726594181755_n-2Summer came and with it came a big ol’ desire to eat and drink and be merry.   I’ve found myself having wine nearly every night this summer.  And there has been food, too much food.

Have I even once considered the extra calories?

Oh, I guess I’ve considered them, but that has not stopped me.

The scales have not been my friend this summer.  The sad thing is that at the very beginning of summer, I weighed the least I have for quite some time.  I was doing well on my weight loss journey.  I still had plenty to lose, but I was feeling good about myself.

Now… not so much on the feeling good thing.

I’ve gained weight back.  I’m sleeping terribly.  blah.

I haven’t even tried to eat right, not at all for a solid two months.  Sadly, I can gain a lot of weight in two months.

The only upside is that I am still exercising nearly every day.  Unless life is too busy, I take at most one day off a week from doing some sort of exercise.  Imagine how much weight I would be gaining without the exercise?  I’m already gaining with the exercise.  So it could be so much worse.

So I need to get my mindset changed.  It really is all about the mindset, isn’t it?   And I need to change the way I am eating.  And mostly, I need to stop with the nightly wine.  That’s my downfall.

Yes, this party MUST come to an end.

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Eat, Pray, Love and the Pool

13782053_10154303645412278_2906134247032228423_nI’m reading such a fabulous book.  As an aspiring writer, I am jealous as hell when I read it though.  And as someone trying unsuccessfully to diet, it’s probably not the best timing to read it.  But I’m reading it.  And I’m enjoying it.   Oh and it’s my current pool book.  My pool books are the hard copies I read that I don’t mind getting wet.  Here’s the thing though.  I’m loving this book & I may need to buy a digital copy too.

The book is essentially a travel journal of sorts for the author as she spends one dedicated year to traveling to three destinations (Italy, India, and Indonesia) each for four months.  She’s getting over a bad divorce and depression before the start of this year of self-discovery and healing.

Oh man, it is fabulous.  Well, so far, I’ve read through her stay in Italy.  In fact, as I closed the pages yesterday, she had just arrived in India.  Italy, of course, spoke to me.  I’m sure it speaks to everyone the pleasure she gets from the world’s most wonderful food.  But I have always had a special affinity for Italy.  i’ve even had people ask if I have some italian in me.  I always respond that I have it in spirit, if not blood.  I’ve been drinking wine every night thanks to this book.  (Ok, it’s summer and honestly, I tend to drink too much in the summer.  So I can’t really blame the book)

I’m excited to read the India section because she does a lot of yoga and meditating.  i love yoga and hope to be an instructor one day.  So I’m quite interested in this part of the book.

This book has motivated me to make a real effort at writing again.  There was a time I was writing every day, several times a day.  I’ve fallen out of that habit a bit.  So here I am making an effort again.

Yay for good books!




How I See Me….

Here’s what I want to do in life besides what I am already doing (i.e. being a mother)….

I want to be a yoga instructor.  That’s big.  That’s a new, very real dream.  A Goal.  A hope.

I want to write.  I want to be a writer.  A writer.  A published writer.

And an artist.  i have artistic thoughts.  i don’t know if i can actually create.  But that is what I want.


She’s Smart and So Much More

As we sat in church today, my five year old daughter grew restless as most five year olds tend to do.   We were nearing the end of Mass when she asked, “How long until church is over?”  My response was, “Five minutes.”  She sighed and said, “300 seconds is SOOOO long!”

She didn’t even have to stop to think.  She just knew immediately that five minutes equals 300 seconds.

And I had to kiss her and praise her for being smart.  “You are so Smart!” I said and kissed her on the head.

There are some schools of thought that we shouldn’t tell our daughters that they are pretty or beautiful because they will place too much value on their looks.  I disagree.  I often tell my children they are beautiful because, well, they are.  And I think in a mother’s eyes, all of our children are such.

Of course, if that is the only thing a home seems to value, then sure, that’s a bad thing.  But I praise my children for their intelligence, kindness, helpfulness, and more.  Their beauty is a small thing in the whole scheme of things in our home.

Now back to my five year old….

she is so smart.  I truly see a giftedness in her that I haven’t seen in the others.   She’s quite a character with her hot temper and her strong-will and her attachment to her brother Logan.  I’m curious to see how it will all play out as she grows up.


Soccer Saturday and Being the Coach

13083292_10154110147802278_1247968485237556254_nWe’ve been living the whole “Soccer Saturday” thing for quite a few years.  We started soccer when my oldest was 5.  He would be 16 if he were still alive today.  1911735_10152196595247278_377262381_n-2

There was a brief time before Nolan’s death where we had 4 kiddos playing, this was before my youngest was old enough to play.  Oh how I wish Nolan were alive to see her play now!

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Screen Shot 2016-05-21 at 3.56.13 PMAbout 2 years ago, I believe, my now-12-year old daughter quit playing soccer.  So I guess she played probably about 5 or 6 years which equals 10-12 seasons.  She had quite a bit of enthusiasm when she was little, but it subsided as she grew older.  309917_10150876749232278_1879015681_n

This season is the first that my youngest is playing.  And lo and behold, I’m coaching her.  It’s a pretty fun experience, but she got placed on a team with all REALLY young preschoolers.  She’s 5, but just turned 5, thus she’s still pre-k age.  Her team is made of a couple 3 year olds and a couple 4 year olds and her.  Now, being young doesn’t mean you don’t know how to play soccer.  That’s what we are here for at this age is to give kids that early and fun experience.  But… I must say, I wasn’t expecting to have kids quite so young. When mine started playing with this same league, you had to be 4 to play.  So imagine my surprise when I met the 3 year olds on my team.

11060049_10153121219752278_5800162624951647129_nAlso, I didn’t realize that coaching would involve having kids who don’t know how to do something like, “Move over here.”   And boy, do those kids get thirsty!

It’s been fun though.  I plan to continue coaching next season and hopefully thereafter.



Worrying Doesn’t Make Them Small-Minded

I don’t usually post political things.  I don’t like to get into arguments with people that I love and respect because we happen to disagree politically.  It’s not worth it.  Life is too short.

But I have this urge to stand up for some of the people I know who are being labeled bigots and small-minded.  I’m not going to get into the whole argument about the bathrooms at Target and what I personally feel about it.

See, there are some people who are calling for a boycott of Target because of their recently implemented policy for allowing men and women to use whichever bathroom they like based on the gender of which they identify.

Most of what I have heard is NOT because people are worried that transgender people will harm their children.  They worry more that someone who is NOT a transgender will use this policy as an excuse to enter the opposite sex’s bathroom.

Being a parent is hard.  And one of those things that becomes a tough question is:  When Do I Let My Child Use the Public Bathroom Without Me?    I remember that with my oldest two.  It was so hard to ease up on those attachment strings.   Initially, I would send them together, safety in numbers.  I was always nervous though.   My 3rd is a girl, so she didn’t ask to use the bathroom by herself for quite awhile.    We’d usually go in together.  At some point though, I remember being across the Target when my younger daughter needed to go and I made the call of sending my older daughter to take her.  There were very explicit instructions of where to meet me when they were finished.  And I was afraid until they returned.   Those sorts of things, as well as the first time a mom lets her boy go into the boys’ room alone, is scary.

All of those moments of independence and letting go are scary.

So when I hear people I know saying they don’t like Target’s policy because they are worried about sending their child into the restroom by themselves, it’s not something new.  We’ve always been worried about sending our child to the restroom by themselves.

The fact that these people are worried about their kids does not make them bigots or small minded.  And I do get a little tired of people labeling them as such.  It’s not political for them.  It’s not about LGBT rights.  It’s about that NON-LGBT person who uses this as an excuse.    At least that’s how I hear it from most of the people I know who have voiced their concerns.

I personally would be a little surprised to walk in and see someone of the opposite sex in the ladies’ room, but I’d simply walk in the bathroom and shut the door for privacy.  But I’m not sure how my daughters’ would feel.  Or my sons.

I just wish all the hating would stop.  So many people that I love and respect seem to always turn things into political arguments.  It truly wears me down.  I just want to raise my kids.  I want us to be happy and healthy and safe.  And I want the world to just get along!!  Why can’t we all just get along?



Thoughts for the Journal


My friend was saying how she hated sleeping alone tonight rather than having her 4 year old grand baby spend the night with her 3,000 stuffed animals.  As I look at my three youngest kids drawing in my bed at 11:30pm (we are on spring break) while my husband is stuck sleeping in one of the kids’ rooms, I can’t help but think how much I love having them here.

This was my response on my friend’s page:  “i love having my kids in bed with me. yes, i’m usually crowded. and yes, i get kicked and the blankets are taken from me…. but i’m sad when they aren’t here”

I really gotta get those journals out and start writing this stuff in them.

Zombie Conversations

Tonight I realized I truly should keep track of the conversations that my fourteen year old son and I have while watching The Walking Dead.


We started watching The Walking Dead together probably when he was twelve, though he may have been an older eleven.

Over the last two or three years, we have had many interesting, deep, thought-provoking conversations as we have watched this show.  Sometimes the talks come after the show as we discuss what happened.

You’d be surprised at the depth.

But, honestly, we talk about morality and choices and how things would change in a zombie apocalypse.

I remember when two key characters started having sex on the show, but it was very much as though they were married.  Because.  Let’s face it.  People aren’t having traditional weddings in a zombie apocalypse.

Tonight, a main character was smoking like a chimney.  I made the remark that I would smoke during the end of the world because, “Why NOT?”  If I could lay my hands on cigarettes and the world was in chaos like this, you can bet your life I’d smoke.  (maybe this is because tonight I walked by a smoker and for some reason, it struck me as appealing).

My son said, “You would?

Yep,” I responded.

His thoughts were, if he had survived thus far, he’d want to do everything he could to survive.  This would mean NOT SMOKING.

My thoughts were, if my chances of being slaughtered by other bad guys like the Saviors, the Governor, Terminus, and the like, as well as zombies, I may as well live it up.

I really should keep track of these talks.